Day 14 and I don't want to go home

First of all, Happy Birthday to the most wonderful, supportive and kind (yadda yadda yadda...I could go on and on), Mother-In-Law Jean!

If you'd asked me two weeks ago when I was admitted if I would still want to stay in hospital after two weeks I would have said "NO"!  I am looking at being discharged on Friday and it makes me anxious to say the least.  Of course it would be safe to say if you'd asked me two weeks ago if I'd have my son already I would have said 'no' as well!

WE MADE IT to our 48 hr mark, so that helped with the mood of the day overall.  Little Spud (nope, no name yet), looked better when I saw him at 2am and wee bit better still at 7am this morning.  I have spent as much time over today as I can (until I'm ready to fall over), and we held hands for over 1/2 hr tonight (that is he held my pinkie).  He (and all preemies) don't like touch really, it is way to stimulating to their systems not to mention when they are touched it is usually for medical reasons to be poked or prodded.  I have been very careful to limit my touch to him but he does seem satisfied with a hand placed on his head while I chat with him and the holding of my pinkie tonight was new and special.  A huge fear of being a parent of a child in NICU (as it was with Torin as well) is the fear of being rejected.  I can't tell you how much relief it gives me when he moves his little feet when I talk to him or how hard he was gripping my pinkie finger tonight.

They actually inserted a feeding tube under his ventilator so that he can get the drops of colostrum from me.  Oh how I wish I had more!  I've been pumping almost every 3 hours since 3 hours out of surgery and am still holding out hope.  I had a problem with T and Ry so it shouldn't come as much of a surprise but it is SO important with preemies to get that wee bit from Mom to protect their guts and give their systems a boost.  I'm trying not to pressure myself and trying to relax but it is hard when you also know the importance of it.  It has only been two days so hopefully day three will bring some milk.  He can't have a lot and he is getting a balanced diet pumped into his veins but it is something that I know I can do to HELP, especially when I feel so helpless most of the time.

I did get to meet one of his Dr's that was part of his team at the time of birth today and he was able to tell me a bit more about some of the tubes and how things went at birth.  He told me a good expectation to have would be two months minimum in the NICU.  Wow, we'll do what we have to but man, they should rent out rooms here.  Which brings me back to Friday.  I was told this morning by my chief resident (ha, I guess she's not really mine per se, we've just seen a lot of each other) that she put in for a release for tomorrow.  It put me into an immediate panic of course, my first thought was, I can't go HOME!  Thankfully my WONDERFUL Dr.Birch (OB) is still very concerned about my health and well being that he wants to keep me till Friday.  It may only be one more day but it is one more day that I am only steps from my little man 24/7.  I'll be so glad to be home with the boys (since my poor kids are DONE with all of this Mommy being sick and gone), but not being able to drive myself here for the next bit is a tad stressful.  Parents obviously do it all the time, and as time goes by I'm sure it will get easier, but I'm so scared I won't be here when I'm needed or they'll need to make a split decision and not be able to get a hold of Mike or I in time.  Worries aside, the thought of sleeping in my own bed is pretty darn sweet after two weeks of being in a hospital bed.

I have been asked for pictures, we will get some out this weekend hopefully.  We don't have a stellar quality one yet but you'll be able to see his sweetness quite easily!  It's hard to take pics when I don't want to introduce any 'outside' germs to him right now but they will come, promise.

I'm keeping up with trying to stay positive, one thing I know is that this sweet little boy has captured many hearts already!  Thank you all for following us on our journey and offering your support and kindness, there are too many of you to name and I'm not even sure how I can even start to give back to you.  I don't always get around to answering your texts or emails but I do get them and cherish them all.  It is all of you that are keeping me going and keeping me positive, so thank you for that!

Off to pumping I will go...