I know it's been too long since I've updated when my phone starts ringing! It's been a rough week, not for B but for me. I've been struggling more and more with the impending surgery and have been dealing with the backlash of that. I am totally at peace about doing the surgery (although it freaks me out), I am completely confident in Dr.Brindle, and I am feeling like he (Braeden) is certainly strong enough to handle it. What part of the issue is, is that Braeden is turning more and more expressive and is overall a pretty happy kid so to have to see him limp and in pain again just eats me up.
It is like comparing the surgery to say having a child with a tumour on their kidney and they are having surgery to remove said tumour (I'm hopefully not offending anyone with this analogy). At the end of the surgery you would hope to have a positive result of no more tumour right and hopefully build a road of recovery? One of the things that gets me is that after his surgery we still aren't really any closer to figuring out 'Braeden'. The surgery(ies) are one(s) of importance without a doubt, we certainly don't want to be in an urgent situation. It just not a 'solution', it doesn't make him 'better'. That seems to be some of what I am dealing with, is that we don't know how to make Braeden 'better'. Don't get me wrong, I like him as he is quirks and all but he can't come home and build a life with all of us as he is currently.
I've worn my 'Counsellor' hat enough times to know that I am certainly in the "Anger" portion of the Kubler-Ross' Grief Cycle. (As Mike and the boys would most likely agree!) I do have a tendency to go back and forth between Anger and Depression with only very brief stop overs in Bargaining. Some of you are probably saying "How or why would you be grieving when you have your child here?" I guess the easiest way to describe it would be the loss or grieving for the loss of 'normalicy' of having a new baby and the steps and stages that go with that. I am grieving that Braeden is and will be my last pregnancy/birth (please don't get me wrong, I do NOT want another one) and I didn't get to fully experience it in a positive and affirmative way. Sigh, unfortunately Counsellors don't make the best patients but I do have the awareness of what I am experiencing.
I have tried very hard to maintain positivity throughout this process but I do have days (weeks) where it is just more difficult than others. Or times where I just sit and cry in the parking garage after visiting my sweet boy. I know that I can find positivity in the smallest of things with Braeden and I do, it is just that I am exhausted. The lack of sleep is one thing but I've also done a pretty good job of repressing alot of my grief and that is exhausting as well. People told me often in the beginning that they were concerned for me that I wasn't crying but I couldn't cry then, I was scared that if I started I wouldn't stop. People deal with trauma in life in many different ways but I chose to ride this part of our lives out with affirmations, hope and the strength in knowing myself and my children.
Braeden has brought us more joy and bliss than we could have hoped for but with his arrival we've also experienced stress like no other. This too shall pass, I just keep telling myself that I need to get through this next round of surgery(ies). It certainly helps knowing that my favourite in-laws are arriving in less than a week! I do have many of you keeping a close eye on me and if I could put into words what is is I need I know you would be there to offer it. I will just keep on keeping on and putting one foot in front of the other while taking the time to have a few tears once in awhile.
Perhaps it is time to revisit my J-O-Y!