Saturday, 19 October 2013

The Irony of Mr.B's Life

Last night I had one heck of a nightmare.  A wake in a cold sweat, scream my head off nightmare.  Ironically (?) it was my first ever Braeden nightmare, which I'm certainly not as stressed about B as I have been in the past.  The dream was awful (no surprise there, it was a nightmare) and I don't need a Psych degree to let me know that my stress level is peaking a bit high these days. 

I had left Mr.B alone with the big boys (which would never happen, they are 7 and 8 after all), and when I came back to check on him they told me he was gone.  Just gone, they weren't really concerned, just turned to me and said "he's gone Mom".   I flew into a panic looking for him and tried repeatedly to call 911 but couldn't get my phone to work.  The big boys couldn't quite grasp why I was so upset.  I ended up running all through a mall looking for him and finally collapsed in a heap on the floor in sobs.   I opened my eyes and looked across from me and there was one of his blankies on the floor.  I grabbed at the blankie and there was his smiling face looking at me, just laying there.  I was so relieved to see him until I realized he wasn't moving which is when I woke myself up screaming for someone to get him fluids.

It's interesting to me that B's not really that 'sick' right now and yet I'm feeling very overwhelmed with it all.  Not overwhelmed with him in the moment but overwhelmed with the future and what it will bring.  Sometimes it would be so much easier to bury my head in the sand and just go along day to day.  It's not even something that I can even put a name to, just a feeling of something bigger in our path.  There are so many positives surrounding us each and every day but I'm getting drawn into the negatives and sometimes it's just that much harder to go to the positives.  I think really, it's the frustration of the 'unknown' and that I keep hearing 'you need to let it go' when I am feeling that something is not right.

I certainly didn't have a great sleep but Mr.B had a much worse start to his day then I did.  B managed to somehow 'break' off his, I don't know.  Thankfully it was an external break and he didn't damage himself in the process!  What it did mean though was that he needed the current catheter out and a new one put in.  Nurse Carissa (who is a great Nurse), said they only gave it two tries and didn't push it.  No go on the second catheter.  The consulted Nephrology and enquired if they could just bag him for the remainder on the test and they agreed that would be suffice.  Of course I'm not sure if B agrees that it is any better since he's got a plastic baggy taped to him to collect all of his urine and it has to be changed regularly.  Rip, to take it off, and stick to get it on...repeat.

It would be completely understandable then that the poor kid decided not to pee today.  I'm not sure if it was just that he was sore, or too scared it would hurt but he decided to give us all a bit of a scare when he didn't output anything into the first bag for 6 hours.

Of course what we didn't plan on with the 'bagging' is that Mr.B decided that he was going to be having awful stooling to go with it (hope you're not queasy!).  The first diaper I went to change this afternoon I opened and groaned, green slime.  The good news was that he'd finally peed a bit but the not so good news was now it appears that he might have picked up Rotovirus or such.  Nope, no easy road in this kid's life.

I also found out, by chance, when I changed him that he had a bandaid on his arm.  My first thought was, "oh no, they poked him by accident!".  I was more then a little annoyed to find out 1) he'd had blood work, 2) no one had bothered to even inform me (or ask) about it, 3) I wasn't here to at least hold his hand or try to distract him.  It turns out that Nephrology had ordered it for a comparison against the urine samples but the Resident didn't mention a word of it to me last night when we talked.  Annoyed.

Let's recap his day:
-Broken catheter
-2 attempts at reinsertion of a new catheter
-Having to be repeatedly taped and removed on the most sensitive area of his body
-Blood work (I don't even know how many pokes it took, I am telling myself it was only one good poke)
-Crazy diarrhea and upset tummy
-AND his Momma took off the heart monitor tapes off his sensitive skin (off his chest)

The most amazing thing (why this surprises me I don't
know), Mr.B smiles.  He didn't smile through the torture of his day but he did smile in between and he did go to sleep tonight a happy, content boy in my arms.  I'm ready for a drink and my sweet boy goes to bed smiling.

The question tomorrow will be just how 'sick' he is (with the addition of whatever virus this is) and if he will be able to tolerate his morning feed.  He was certainly gagging a bit in the tub tonight and all he had in his tummy was water.  I'm thinking positively (aren't you proud of me?) and keeping my fingers crossed we can still bring him home tomorrow.

It's getting too much for the boys, they need me, and B needs me.  Somewhere in the midst of all of that it would be nice to see that handsome man I call my Husband too (who is horribly sick with his own virus and working 7 days a week).  I can see the stress of it all show on Torin especially when he crawls into my bed in the morning and tells me how much he missed me.  He tells me that he would really rather sleep in my bed so he knows right when I get home so that he can have a better sleep.

The boys came with me up to ACH today and it was thankfully a day the Art Studio was open (for patients and siblings).  I was happy thinking that I could engage them for two hours and have two hours with B but Torin was having none of it.  Rylan was excited to 'create' something since they were painting ceramics today but T was almost in tears when I was gently prodding him to stay for the class.  I asked what was going on and he told me that he didn't want to stay away from B.  He's been missing B so much that he had no desire to be apart from sensitive boys.  Now of course an hour later (when B had fallen asleep and Torin had to be quiet) he was driving me nuts wanting to leave.  It's all relative! 

Pretty sure this is one of my new favourite shots!  LOVE!

What's the plan?  No plan at this point.  The hope is to bring B home tomorrow and that this 'virus' is a short term thing that can just be managed at home.  It will be another few days before Nephrology gets the results of the urine collection/blood work and from a 'pain' standpoint nothing has really changed.  The ironic thing might be that Neph wants a closer look at the cyst in the kidney and orders a CT scan...ironic to say the least.
From Our Home (Unit 2) To Yours...

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